


Ossuary Adventure

by GenerallyHuxurious (GallifreyanOmnishambles)



Series: Huxurious Huxloween [10]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghost Hunters, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Churches & Cathedrals, Dungeon, Inappropriate Use of Halloween Decorations, M/M, Ossuary, Paranormal Investigators, Skeleton Puns, Skeletons, referenced object insertion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-21 21:23:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8260888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanOmnishambles/pseuds/GenerallyHuxurious
Summary: Set in the Eldritch Effect universe. Hux takes Kylo to see a church's odd architectural feature - the ossuary or bone storage chamber. Kylo is not impressed. [For Huxloween day 11.]





	

“This place is creepy as fuuuuuuuck.” Kylo intoned as Hux lead them deeper into the tunnels. His voice echoed and rolled through the underground caverns, coming back to him from odd angles and corners until it sounded like there was a chorus of sardonic demons waiting to intercept them. 

“No it isn’t.” Hux said with an irritated sigh.

“We’re literally surrounded by human remains, how can you not find this creepy?”

“They’re just bones Kylo, everyone has them.”

Kylo paused to turn his torch up toward the ceiling. Bones shone dully in the shifting light. Hundreds of bones. In this case ribs and long leg bones, arranged in tiers where they were set into the vaulting of the ceiling, creating a rippling effect that was almost pleasant if you disregarded the medium.

“Yes, I can absolutely accept that everyone has bones. But, and I do think this is important Hux, not everyone uses them architecturally. Almost no one in fact.” He shivered as he turned the light up towards the grotesque baroque structure hanging from the middle of the chamber. “That... that is a chandelier, Hux, an actual functional chandelier with candle stubs in it. Made from jaw bones and pelvises. This is some Ed Gein level shit. How do you not find it creepy? This must be the most haunted place in the world, and these ghosts must be pissed the fuck off.”

Across the chamber Hux rolled his eyes.

“The difference is that Ed Gein killed the people he turned into furniture. This was just a tradition that arose from a practical issue with city cemeteries. Centuries ago they only buried most people long enough for the squishy bits to fall off; then they moved the bones into spaces like this to make room for more recently dead people to go in the ground. If you’re going to have a bunch of stuff cluttering up the place you might as well make it look nice.”

“Nice?” Kylo raised his eyebrows, making the scar across his face twist. The upward tick of the portion above his left eyebrow always made him look slightly quizzical; Hux had to bite his cheek not to laugh at him. “You think this is nice?”

“You have two fake skeletons on the balcony at home.” Hux said, beginning to count on his fingers. “You have a skull toothbrush holder in the bathroom; three skull shot glasses; four skull shaped mugs; skull and crossbones jewelry; there’s a skeleton on the rear view mirror of your car; I know for a fact that you own skull print towels, socks, underwear, leggings, PJs, and you’re wearing a fuzzy jumper with a skull pattern right this second!”

“None of those are real! They were never inside anyone!”

Hux gave him a look that clearly said he remembered exactly what Kylo had told him about one of his former band mates and the original balcony skeleton.

“Fine, none of them started off inside people then!” he blurted out, red faced and embarrassed even though he hadn’t be actively involved in that particular incident. 

It was too much and Hux’ poker face collapsed as he doubled over, wracked with giggles. 

“Shut up!”

Hux opened his mouth to make a retort but found his words drowned out by laughter. 

“I… I still can’t believe… he put the whole hand…”

 

“SSSHHUT UPPPP!!”

“It’s… it’s so spiky though… how… how did he get it back out… oh my god…” Hux slid down the wall, laughing almost too hard to breathe. “Ahhh fuck I think I’ve pulled a rib.”

“Serves you right. I loved that skeleton,” Kylo said mournfully.

“Not as much as Tanma Ren did!!!!” Hux howled, his face turning pink behind his hands as he tried to bring his amusement under control. 

Donal’s laughter was infectious for its rarity and Kylo couldn’t help the grin developing on his own face. “That’s just what he told it so it’d sleep with him!”

“Oh my fucking god!!”

“It was a wasted effort though, everyone could see that skeleton always had a boner for him anyway.”

“Stop it, you bastard,” Hux groaned through his giggles, “I can’t fucking breath.”

“I’d say I wasn’t enjoying this but that would be a fibula.”

“Noooooo.”

There was a strange soft grinding noise by Hux’ ear. He turned slightly to look at it, wiping the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. The skulls set into the wall had all turned to look at him.

“I don’t get it.” Said one.

“What are we laughing at?” Asked another. 

Once the dust had settled from the living men’s hasty exit and the echoes of their screaming had mostly died away a dusty voice commented, “Well, that wasn’t very humerus.”

“Shut up, Frank.” Came the chorus of voices once more. 

With that the ossuary settled back into peaceful, comedy free silence. Being dead wasn’t that bad. Being turned into a form of interior decoration was just about tolerable. But the skeletons all agreed, they had a bone deep hatred of puns.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry.


End file.
